Welcome to the funny part of this website. I've collected various small stories or weblinks in this site which I've found amusing. I'm modifying this site irregularly as i bump into something (which I consider) funny.
PS. If you have some funny stories, cute links or hilarious pictures, please send it to me - firstname.lastname@example.org - and I'll judge for myself. If I have a laugh as well, you'll probably find the stuff here later ;-)
Theme - Arnold Schwarzenegger: The Governator
Below a collection of quotes that Arnie has been given along his career proving without a doubt that in the US you can get away with almost anything as long as you are famous ;-)
I've also added some jokes that have been made about him in the US late nite shows while he was running for governor of California as well as some caricatures & doctored photos of him. These you can find below the tabs to the left.
"It's the most difficult [decision] I've made in my entire life, except the one I made in 1978 when I decided to get a bikini wax." –announcing his gubernatorial candidacy on "The Tonight Show With Jay Leno"
"I can promise you that when I go to Sacramento, I will pump up Sacramento." –on "The Tonight Show"
"We have to make sure everyone in California has a great job. A fantastic job!"
"The public doesn't care about figures." -discussing his economic views
"Don't worry about that." -on the environment
"From the time they get up in the morning and flush the toilet, they're taxed. Then they go and get the cup of coffee, they're taxed....This goes on all day long. Tax, tax, tax."
"I saw this toilet bowl. How many times do you get away with this — to take a woman, grab her upside down, and bury her face in a toilet bowl? I wanted to have something floating there ... The thing is, you can do it, because in the end, I didn't do it to a woman — she's a machine! We could get away with it without being crucified by who-knows-what group." -describing a scene in "Terminator 3"
"This is really embarrassing. I just forgot our state governor's name, but I know that you will help me recall him." –speaking to a taxpayer advocacy group
"As much as when you see a blonde with great tits and a great ass, you say to yourself, 'Hey, she must be stupid or must have nothing else to offer,' which maybe is the case many times. But then again there is the one that is as smart as her breasts look, great as her face looks, beautiful as her whole body looks gorgeous, you know, so people are shocked." –in an interview with Esquire
"The best activities for your health are pumping and humping."
"I think that gay marriage should be between a man and a woman."
"I have inhaled, exhaled everything."
"That was another thing I will never forgive the Republican Party for. I was ashamed to call myself a Republican during that period." -on the Clinton impeachment
"Having chicks around is the kind of thing that breaks up the intense training. It gives you relief, and then afterward you go back to the serious stuff."
"Nixon was always being attacked sexually. It was always said that he was a fag and that he had no sexual relations with his wife for 15 years and that was why he liked power. And Hitler had only one ball, and that was why he wanted to conquer the world." -in a 1977 interview with Time Out
"My friends don't want me to mention Kurt's name, because of all the recent Nazi stuff and the U.N. controversy, but I love him and Maria does too, and so thank you, Kurt." –on his friend and fellow Austrian Kurt Waldheim, a Nazi war criminal
"My relationship to power and authority is that I'm all for it. People need somebody to watch over them. Ninety-five percent of the people in the world need to be told what to do and how to behave." –in a 1990 interview with U.S. News
"I was always dreaming about very powerful people - dictators and things like that. I was just always impressed by people who could be remembered for hundreds of years, or even, like Jesus, be for thousands of years remembered." –in the 1977 film "Pumping Iron"
"What is best in life: Crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of the women!" –from "Conan the Barbarian" (sound clip)
"I'm not into politics, I'm into survival" –in "The Running Man"
"I'll be back." –in "The Terminator" (sound clip)
"If it bleeds, we can kill it." –in "Predator" (sound clip)
"Have you ever killed anyone?"
"Yeah, but they were all bad." –in "True Lies"
"The difference is...
I'm just going to kill you." –in "Collateral Damage"
"I don't know what the problem is, but I'm sure it can be solved without resorting to violence." –in "Twins"
"If I am not me, who da hell am I?" –in "Total Recall" (sound clip)
"Hasta la vista, baby!" –in "Terminator 2" (sound clip)
This is a true story (from US criminal records):
In Charlotte, North Carolina, a lawyer bought a box of very rare and expensive cigars and insured them amongst others against fire. Within a month the lawyer had smoked the cigars and before even getting his first insurance policy invoice he made a claim to the insurance company . In the claim he explained that the cigars were lost by a "chain of small fires".
The insurance company refused to pay on the grounds of claiming that the lawyer had smoked the cigars.
The lawyer, not satisfied with this decision, sued the insurance company ... and won!!!
Though the judge agreed with the insurance company about the fact that the claim was ludicrous, it was clearly a fact, that the lawyer had signed an insurance policy with the company in which his cigars were insured against fire, without specifying the kind of fire. Thus the insurance company was obliged to pay for the damage.
Instead of risking a long and expensive lawsuit, the insurance company accepted to pay the lawyer $ 15.000 for the loss of his cigars through fire.
Now comes the best part...
... after the lawyer had claimed his cheque, the insurance company had him arrested for multiple arsony!!!
The insurance company used the arguments brought up during the previous court hearings against the lawyer with the result that the lawyer was found guilty of wilfully burning the cigars with the purpose of collecting insurance money. He was sentenced to 24 months of prison and a fine of $ 24.000.